Well here we are, another summer over and in the books. Seems like just yesterday I started a summer with all this hope for the fall. The new winter coat I'd need because of my weight loss ....
sigh
The snow hasn't come yet, so maybe I will need a new coat. It's not that I've given up, it's that I've been screwing things up and sabotaging myself yet again. It's getting better and I'm learning to believe in myself.
This past weekend was my 3rd official paid for the privilege of walking 5k. My first was in Rockford years ago and was quite traumatic. Blisters ... such pain ... and while I was proud, it just wasn't anything I wanted to repeat.
I did another one in April that I blogged about. You know, in April. That was much better.
I tossed in a 3k in August and my friend from the April race did another 10k. She's silly that way. Or just likes multiples of 5. I'm not really sure.
Then there was Saturday.
I did a local 5k and didn't really prepare myself. Based on that alone I should be beyond thrilled that I'm alive to even type this. This one sucked. It sucked because it was hard. Very hard. One mile seemed like 34. Or what I'd imagine 34 would feel like. At the 1 mile mark I was trying to give myself a pep talk. "Look, one down, 2.1 to go! Yeah you!" then I walked another .2 or so miles to find THE ONE MILE MARKER. I think the words in my head were something like "oh f me." Only the f had uck after it.
At the 2 mile marker I sent my friend a message. 1.1 left. I'm spent. Pray.
She encouraged me.
I replied that the volunteers were cleaning up the course markers and had now passed me.
She said it didn't matter, keep going.
I kept going.
Seems like the last .6 went pretty fast. Either that or I've blocked out the trauma. Either way I soon saw the 3 mile marker and the bridge bringing me to the finish and my car, which I'd wisely parked about 5 steps from the finish.
When I got to the car I cried. I cried because I finished something I didn't think I was going to finish.
I cried because it hurt.
I cried because I was not just last, I was so last I was afraid they'd taken down the finish line and it would be just me walking to my car.
I cried because I realized how much easier this would be with some weight off me.
Then I cried some more because despite all the negatives I did it and no one could take that away from me.
After the race I went to Walmart because I had to. Really, I had to go. As I was sliding out of my car this woman was berating her husband about how far he parked away and how much it inconvenienced her. Now I don't know her health history and I'm making assumptions, but if you made it through Wally World wearing flip flops, chances are you walk just fine. They snarked back and forth and she swore at him a few more times.
Me being me and me being slightly lightheaded from my 5k efforts, I opened my mouth and said "I just did a 5k and I'm handicapped" then dissolved into laughter.
I hobbled in, got a cart, did my shopping and continued to laugh about the woman complaining about walking. It did give me the attitude adjustment I needed. I was doing the whole "poor pathetic me" thing and I'm not usually like that. That snapped me right back to my reality. Yes, I was last. 312th I think. I'm not sure what the last census showed for population of the area, but I'm guessing far more than that. Point is, I am one of those who chose to do it, versus not.
My soreness was gone pretty much by Sunday night. I told my Dad about it at the nursing home last night and told him about my last place victory. He smiled and without missing a beat said "yes, but you finished it." It was very matter of fact and to the point.
Dad's simple words made me realize something. Finishing something you started is to be acknowledged. It doesn't matter how pretty or ugly it was, I did it. I finished the race. As my friend Jen pointed out I crossed the start line, I crossed the finish line, and I did the work in between.
This past year has been one of such mental growth for me. The physical part is coming along too, but the mental part has changed. Oh there's a shit ton of work to be done, but I can honestly say I am a different person today than I was this spring. I can also say that it's the result of some great people in my life.
I have people who know how to make me push me. I have people who see strength in me when I don't think I have any and give me the nudge I need to keep going. I have people who make me open my mouth and agree to try things, to be accountable for things, to make promises to myself, and to keep them.
Keeping promises is huge for me. Making them is easy.
Keeping them is new.
