Time is flying

 How can it already be a week and a half since Michael passed?  It doesn't seem real, then I see the pile of laundry I have and it becomes real.  (Michael did the laundry!)

This past week has been the most love filled week I have ever had.  While it's ironically the absolute worst week ever, the love that I've been shown has lifted me so high.  I keep writing about the love because I am scared I will forget what it has felt like.

Growing up I knew my parents and family loved me, but I always had the underlying message from my mother that I wasn't good enough.  Too fat.  Too messy.  Too loud.  Too wrong.

 When I met Michael it took me a long time to really believe he loved me.  It was years before I settled in and realized it was forever.  For ages I waited for him to see that I was too much ... too much to love.

He never did.  In fact, while he'd hate me for this, he'd sometimes well up with tears and tell me how much he loved me.  Such statements were always met with a hug, a kiss, and a reassurance that I too loved him so much.  He never knew that those moments caused me to step back and wonder just who was this woman he loved.  He honestly was the one single person who taught me that I am worthy of love.

Knowing I'm worthy isn't an easy battle.  I'm still in awe of the love handed out so generously this past week and half.  From the oldest person I know, to the youngest, there has been comfort and love.  Everyone's words and actions have helped me piece myself together and start putting one foot in front on the other.

How blessed am I?

 I lost my best friend this week. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.  Nothing prepares you for the loss of someone you love especially when it’s sudden. Literally one minute he was here with me and the next he was gone.

Tonight was Michael’s visitation. I was actually nervous to go, I didn’t know what to expect. I did better than I thought seeing him there in his coffin. My very first thought was oh that’s where you’ve been all week, like he’d  just been off on some kind of journey.

Perhaps the saddest thing is it takes a tragedy to find out who’s really there for you. Or maybe you just didn’t realize they were there for you, or you weren’t aware of how much they loved you. All I know is that tonight I was surrounded by love and laughter. 

I never want to forget how it felt tonight to be wrapped up in the love of family and friends. It just felt so good.  I think every hug tonight helped heal my broken heart just a little bit. I am so blessed and so fortunate to be loved.

My guy

 You changed my world forever almost 20 years ago. I didn’t know that blind date would turn into a lifetime.

So many times you’ve made me laugh and a few times you made me cry, but every day you brought a smile to my face and joy into my world.

It’s going on three days and I still can’t believe you left me. I don’t know if I will ever stop waiting for you to come down the hallway, singing one of your silly songs or dancing one of your silly dances.

Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for teaching me that I was worth being loved. You will always be my best friend.

I love you Michael!