I've been doing pretty good. Missing Michael is something I'm becoming used to, which may be odd to say, but it's the best way to express it. I know he's not going to walk through the door. I know I'm not going to get hugs any more. There's a million things that aren't happening any more, but for the most part I accept that.
Then there was yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't even begin to function, so I did what you always told me to do when I'm in a mood. I went to bed. 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I'm in bed with the covers pulled up to my neck, tears rolling down my face.
All I could think was "this sucks."
That was enough to think. It sucks Michael is gone. It sucks I have to pack and clean through memories. It sucks not to have my best friend.
I fell asleep for a couple hours and woke up a in a better frame of mind. I was able to function again. It's true what I've been told, it sneaks up on you.
Today tears flow as I write this, but I'm in a more grateful frame of mind. I'm so lucky for the time I did have with Michael. Some people go their whole life without finding the person who makes them laugh and know what love is. I'm blessed, I had almost 20 years of that.
As much as packing and cleaning stinks, I'm grateful for the memories things bring back. I'm also extremely thankful I have a lovely place to go, where I'll be safe and secure. Some days I realize it's the excitement of the new place that keeps me going. It's because of Michael though that I can look to the future and not just wallow in sadness.
See, if you asked Michael what his first attraction to me would be, he'd probably say my attitude and strength. I can still remember telling him about the car crash and what I'd gone through and him reaching for my hand that first date. He was struck by the unfairness of what I'd been through, but was impressed by how I didn't let the crash define my life.
I tend to think he would feel the same for this latest chapter. It's another crash, only the effects are all emotional. He'd be proud that I honor him, that I walk away a stronger person for loving him, and that once again I rise against what life throws at me.
