A year ago we drank margaritas and bull shitted with a buddy ….
It all feels very weird this year. No cake is been ordered, no presents have been bought. For the first time in 20 years, we’re not celebrating your birthday together.
I miss you! I miss you every day, but today is extra hard. We should be making fun of your old man status, but instead you’re forever 63.
Floors are clean.
Laundry is put away.
Island is cleaned and organized.
Appliance manuals and house papers filed.
Garbage is out.
Lucky’s litter box is clean.
House is in order!
I hate cleaning, so I am very proud of what I’ve done today! I will keep my new house clean!
The dumpster is in front of Michael’s house and it’s being cleaned out. As much as I know this new phase needs to be done, it’s breaking my heart. I feel like I’m failing as the guardian of his stuff! Not that there’s any way I could keep it all, but so much of it was his treasures.
It hurts because it’s another sign that he’s not coming back. I guess part of me just wishes this is one big mistake and he’s just been gone for a while? I miss him so much! It’s not fair that he left me!
He loved his house. He said for the first time in a long time he felt like he was home. Now that home has been dismantled and me moving started it all. Part of me feels guilty for what I left behind. Part of me feels guilty because I feel like I’ve left him behind.
If everything goes well new people will be living there in a matter of months. I don’t know how I feel about that. I think part of me will be glad that that section of life is over with and I can only hope that the new family will find as much joy there as we did.
I’m not having any regrets about moving. The new house is definitely where I belong. There’s no way I could’ve taken care of his house. It sounds like I’m making excuses, but it wasn’t the home for me.
I never did go through Michael’s stuff. I couldn’t bear to go through his clothes. Again it makes me feel like I’d be throwing part of him away. It was probably rotten of me to leave it for his kids, but I just couldn’t handle it emotionally. They have a lot to clean out there. I left a lot of stuff behind because, one, I couldn’t reach it and two, because of my handicaps what would take me hours to do only takes them minutes. For some things it was probably good that they looked at them to see if there’s any emotional tie for them. Michael saved everything! Even had their dishes from when they were little! I didn’t feel it was my position to get rid of those memories.
My Michael is not coming back to me. He’s just not. I know he’s still with me. I know as long as I carry him in my heart, he will never truly be gone. Stuff is just that, stuff. I need to try to rejoice because he is in Heaven. All his aches and pains are gone. He can run like the wind! He’s with his family who loved him so much!
Still the selfish part of me wants him back. I feel like I took those a normal Saturday afternoons for granted. I didn’t know he would be gone so soon. His birthday is coming up. He would’ve been 64. He was way too young to leave us. We should be going out for lunch right now, getting ready to enjoy a pitcher of margaritas. Instead I am sitting in my new living room crying my eyes out.
What a rambling journal entry! It’s all over the place, much like my emotions. What it all comes down to is that I miss him. Plain and simple. I miss him, I miss his laughter, I miss his goofy songs, and so many more things that made him up! I miss the joy and excitement of watching him catch a big bass! I miss his take on the world as a whole. I miss him! I miss him! I miss him!
Time will heal the wounds. This is just another chapter in the book of my life. I will try to remind myself to be thankful for the 20 years we had and celebrate all the love we did share ❤
Last night Lucky climbed on the couch next to me and snuggled up. I was in shock. I was determined to let him lay next to me as long as he wanted. One hour turned into two. Two hours turned into falling asleep. I woke up at 12:15 with him still next to me. Sadly I had to abandon him because I was so tired and I had to pee.
I wasn't in bed alone very long before I felt his weight on the mattress. He slowly and carefully made his way over to my legs and curled up between them. We both fell asleep shortly after that.
This morning he wasn't on the bed when the alarm went off, but as soon as I was awake he came in to visit. He did a full body inspection of me, slowly walking up my body, kneading me as he went until he got to my head. He gave me a little boop and then curled up by my hip.
I let him lay there a while until I had to get up. He left me alone to get dressed, but as soon as I sat on the couch he was up by me again. He noticed this bird out on the patio and started the most adorable chattering.
Hopefully this means I'll get more kitty snuggles from him this weekend. I love having him sleeping by me, it fills my heart with love! So glad he got my attention and convinced me to adopt him!
It’s been about 2 hours since Lucky jumped up on the couch and curled up besides me. I refuse to leave until he’s done snuggling as I feel this is such an important bonding time for us.
Last night he wanted nothing to do with me, so this is a happy change I don’t know if this will become a common thing, but right now I’m celebrating it’s even happening! I definitely feel like this is his way of showing me he’s comfortable with me being his new human.
He really is a good boy and I’m so glad he chose me!
Lucky is settling in pretty good. We have an understanding. He yells for treats and I usually give them to him. I'm working on saying no, but that face just gets me every time.
Last night he got on the bed to sleep with me. I'm beyond happy that he's adjusting so well and is starting to trust me as his person.
In the morning he greats me with a vocal chorus of different meows. From what I can tell they all mean something along the lines of "feed me treats!"
He loves a good head scratch and is fond of catnip. He prefers boxes to the actual toys in them. He finds cellophane wrappers nearly irresistible and insists on giving them a good chew.
I had a lot of tears fall this morning. Having someone greet me in the morning has been missed. Lucky can't compare to Michael, but I was unaware just how much the mornings set my tone for the day. Michael was always waking up to chat with me before work. Most of the days he would make me laugh. It was just a happy way to start a work day. I've missed that, more than I knew. Having Lucky greet me in the morning was a happy thing and I need that.
I don't think I just saved him, I think Lucky saved me. He at least has brought some sunshine back into my life. Someone mentioned they think Michael picked him for me. I wouldn't be surprised! He is my angel 💕
I went to TAILS animal shelter last night to look at another cat, but this guy ended up stealing my heart. This is Lucky, he's 14 and he's a lovey boy. He's still getting used to his new home, but came out last night for petting and attention.
I haven't been this happy since before Michael died. I missed our kitty boys so much and of course missed Michael terribly, so this guy has healed my heart a little bit more.
I’m pretty much settled into my new house! I can't believe how fast it all came together. Moving was Tuesday and it only took them a couple hours. I did a little unpacking on Tuesday. It was overwhelming looking at the stacks of boxes and not knowing where to even begin.
Joseph came over Tuesday to set up my TVs. While he was here, Cliff stopped to take a look at the place. Having the two of them there was fun!
Wednesday Ginger came over and helped me get most of the rest of my stuff unpacked. I don't know what I would have done without her, she was such a huge help. We called it a day around 4:30 and all I had left was a few boxes in the bedroom.
Later that night Cliff came back over with Susan to take a look. While they were visiting, Carol came over. She stayed a few hours visiting and it was just a nice evening.
One o'clock on Friday I picked up Mom so she could finally see my house. She was impressed on how much I'd gotten unpacked and thought it was a beautiful home. I was all prepared for her to not like different aspects of my house, but over all she was very pleasant.
Then David came up with my table. Kevin came over to help him assemble it. Kevin has been a massive help getting my house set up. He built my TV stand, my mudroom bench, put my blinds and curtains up, and hung all my artwork.
He and David put the table and chairs together, then we all tested them. It was special to have two of my brothers and my mom in my new home, drinking pop and eating cookies 💗
I want to remember the people who helped me make my house a home. From the movers to Paul the painter, so many people had part in making it happen. So many people made me feel special. It's been a real blessing!
Cue the tears! It’s just hitting me that this is the last night I am spending at Michael‘s house. I’m excited for the next chapter, but it’s really hard to leave these memories behind.
I know the memories come with me and I know I’ll never forget the many wonderful times we’ve had, but there’s something about leaving the home we shared.
I ordered ribs for dinner tonight in honor of Michael! It’s only fitting my last meal here be his favorite food. They were good, but the ribs and I made were better.
Here’s to the move going smoothly! I hope the unpacking is swift and efficient, and that everything finds a place in my new house!
