I haven't written anything in a while. Seems like life has been a cycle of stuff, nothing all that important, yet it takes away time to do some simple things.
It's now been over a year since Michael passed. The anniversary date was a weepy day, but not as hard as I thought it would be. There was an odd relief in having the first year over. I've made it through all the holidays and birthdays without him. I went through a summer of no fishing. I don't think I've had a single margarita.
I miss him. Oh how I miss him. I miss his hugs. His stupid songs he'd sing. I miss the jokes and the ways he'd make me laugh. I miss having someone say "know what sounds good for dinner?" I miss having someone to share how my day went. I miss the holiday enthusiast who would have the house decorated for whatever holiday was approaching. So many things to miss!
But I'm doing okay. Really, I am. I miss him and that loss is always there, but when I look at what a year has brought me I can only shake my head in wonder.
Selfishly, but naturally, one of my first thoughts after his passing what what do I do now? What becomes of me? I already knew I didn't want to keep his house. Just too much for me to take care of and too many reminders of him being gone.
A year later and I'm in a brand new house with a furry roommate who rules the roost. It wasn't even as simple as a move, I had to wait for my townhouse to be built. I look back on that stress and feel proud I made it through that while still grieving. It honestly was a good distraction. Wondering what the next delay in the house was going to be kept my mind off other sadness.
Things are good, even if they are so different. I'm getting used to a new routine. I love my new house. I adore that I have Lucky to keep me company. I excited to be hosting my first holiday on Thanksgiving.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I am definitely stronger. I don't know about wiser, but I'm stronger. Well, there may be some wisdom in there. Losing someone close to you makes you change a bit. I've learned a little more what matters. I know more what to let go.
In some regards I don't know how it's been a year already. It has gone by so fast. At the same time it seems like it's been years upon years since I've heard his voice. I'm always aware he's gone, yet I constantly see things and think "I should get that for Michael." Weird how your brain works.
Thankfully I am blessed with wonderful memories. I can still hear him singing in my head. I have hundreds of photos that document our lives together. Plus I carry him in my heart and that can never be lost.
