Self adjusting my attitude

Sept. 2010 & July 2015

      
Every now and then I go through a rough patch.  As much as I wish that all the negative could be expelled out of my head, so much of it lingers, waiting to bubble up when I least expect it.


As near as I can figure I have issues with making progress.  Let  me hit a milestone and I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to prove that it was a fluke, I'm a fake, and that it's a freaking miracle that 60 pounds are gone.  Ahem, yes, we ALL know that weight just falls off like that with no effort, especially off of me.

May 2010 & July 2015

When I can actually step away from the situation and look at my progress through non-Karen eyes I am able to see things differently.  The problem is getting to that non-Karen view.  I've made such lengthy progress.  I really have.  Now I just get frustrated with the scale and my choices, which makes me feel stuck and stagnant, even though it's really just another bump in the road.

I made myself look back at old pictures and forced myself to put them side by side and critique them like I would a stranger's pictures.  Maybe lopping off my head would help, because it's still hard.  Fat roll here, wish my legs were smaller, blah blah blah.  STOP.  I wouldn't say that to a friend!  I wouldn't point out all the work still needed to someone and expect them to feel encouraged, so why do I do this to myself?

So I look ... and I can see the changes ... and by God they are good!  Yes, I can totally see a difference.  Especially when I do block my head ... odd isn't it?

To complete this little exercise I posted the side by side to my Facebook page.  Talk about a scary thing to hit enter on!  Putting this out there makes it a little bit more real.  It's like I invited everyone I know to say "hmm, well, it's good YOU see it" and also put me 100% out on my biggest roadblock.  Failure.

Why yes, I've been at it almost 5 years, lost 60 pounds, and still feel like I'm going to disappoint people again.  Granted no one I know has flat out said "gee Karen, you really f-ed up gaining all that weight back from the last time!" but there have been comments.  I've been told it's a shame I still have to fight.  I've been asked what makes this time different.  I had someone at work say "what a waste, all that work" (maybe he meant waist!)

For me this really is my hardest obstacle, but conquering it will be my biggest triumph.  I'm getting there.  Putting my picture out there ... I have formally waved the green flag for EVERYONE I'm friends with to say look at me, judge me, guage my progress!

But that's all.

Of course I will embrace encouragement!  I'm no fool, but beyond that ... this particular journey has one driver, me.  I started to say I have had a lot of detours on my path, but realized that isn't what they are.  I'm not taking the scenic, come what may path either.  It's more like a constantly unrolling map being put out in front of me with ever changing choices. Kind of like the old "choose your own adventure" books where you get to decide which direction to go next!  I'm working on not wasting energy on the would of, could of, should of parts of life and focusing on the what I can and am doing.

Progress!