Just a tidbit to remember

I want to document this here, I posted it on several sites, but what I need the most is for me to remember this ....

Just want to share my own progression on the new Beyond the Scale plan.

I am an emotional/binge/whatever reason eater. Doritos, sweets, you name it, it's my enemy. The first week on the program was a STRUGGLE but by the end of the week I was getting the hang of it.
I'm 3 days in to my second week and I have to share what is happening to me. Doritos = crack for me. Got home last night after a busy, hectic and somewhat stressful day to find a bag of doritos as a gift from my boyfriend. I opened them, absentmindedly ate 3 of them, then realized I didn't want them. I ate a point of Doritos. I have been known to polish off half a bag or more in a sitting.

Today is my department's treat day. Table full of goodies, cookies, sweets, donuts, muffins, chocolates, and more. I didn't feel tempted until lunch so I went and picked veggies out of a noodle dish and took just a few noodles, took a buckeye ball and a cookie.

Nibbled the buckeye ... too sweet ... not right ... not worth it.

Broke a tiny piece of the cookie off ... flavor not magical ... greasy film in my mouth .... not worth it ...
Ate the veggies ... started on the noodles .... realized nah, it was not what I wanted or worth the points and I snuck in the bathroom and flushed it all.

Came back to my office, had a pack of tuna and an apple.

Let me put it in perspective how HUGE this is for me. In the past I would have had one of everything. I love peanut butter and could easily pop 5 or more of them in my mouth without thinking. I would have rifled through the chocolates to find my favorites and probably taken more than my fair share. If no one was looking I probably would have taken a few cookie, maybe even hid one in my pocket, and I would have finished it off with a giant plate of noodles. I would have made every excuse (it's a special day! I don't get these foods all the time! It's CHRISTMAS!!)

As shocked as I feel right now, I'm hoping that this is part of what the new program brings me, a NORMAL relationship with food. I don't know what it's like to have one, but for me passing up literal mounds of free food is something I struggle with every time it's an opportunity. I even had them move the treat table as it was just too close to me before and it was so much easier to sneak food.

I'm baking cookies and getting food ready all weekend and next week and right now I feel like I can handle that. This time last week I was dreading it.

I can't say this will happen for everyone, but it happened to me and I always think I'm the special one who WW won't work for smile emoticon Hang in there and say a prayer for me that this isn't just some fluke or that I'm temporarily possessed! We can make this a happy holiday!

Some things to remember when I'm feeling blue

Sometimes I get really down and question if I am a good person or not. 

Then I have 24 hour spans like this I realize I must be loved because I have the BEST friends and coworkers in the world.  

I have people I supervise who do the most awesome things for each other and for the department. They show they care about me and each other in their work and non-work actions. 

I have close girlfriends who help me, come to me for help, and aren't afraid to share themselves with me.   Last night I had a great conversation with my workout buddy that helped us both with emotions that were bubbling under the surface and helped us focus on the good. 

I have someone who is taking a little road trip to have lunch with me.   She's someone who came into my life unexpectedly and has helped me grow so much as a person. 

Then there is the friend who brought special little treats yesterday to work bu casually mentioned how much I liked them and I'd have to see if I could get them locally.  I got a message from her last night "I'm at Costco ha ha ha!"  She made a 40 minute drive to get more of the treats. For me. Just because she knew how much I'd appreciate it. She also wrestled me away when I tried to pay her. 

I could just say I'm lucky to have such great people in my life, but I know it's more than that. The saying is you reap what you sow. These people all give me such love and positive energy. I alway hope I give them the same back, but I'm learning that what I see in them, they see in me.

That reflection is what matters. 

I'm worth it

Every year I want the same thing for the holidays - just to be happy and enjoy them.  Every year there is something that happens that I can say I don't like, but I compromise because it makes someone else happy.

Every.

Single.

Year.

I always wonder what makes me different from the ones who get exactly what they want.  Not that I want to be them, because honestly I hate people who demand the world revolve around them.  I don't want that part of their personality, I just want that complete and unquestionable understanding that I am number one and that's it.

Faced with the cold, hard truth I can see that I do tend to put other people's feelings first.  Heck, even my plans for a day for me last Friday were unaccomplished because others came first.  Straddling that line between taking care of myself and doing for others is something that I have never been able to do.  I am one who will give up my plans, alter my whatever, all for the sake of making someone else happy.  To say "when do I get a turn" makes me feel selfish, rude, and quite frankly a bitch.

The problem is that I keep putting everyone and everything  before my own needs and that has altered my happiness to a huge degree.  The saddest part of Friday was that it seemed ok for my plans to be changed because making myself happy was just something I was lost on.

I need to find the voice to say "it's ok to put yourself in the front of the line."  Even writing all this my thought is that if someone reads this they'll just think I'm horrible.

Once again I am at a place where I feel like the little girl begging someone to watch her and being told to go play [with the implied message of leave me alone.]