Every year I want the same thing for the holidays - just to be happy and enjoy them. Every year there is something that happens that I can say I don't like, but I compromise because it makes someone else happy.
Every.
Single.
Year.
I always wonder what makes me different from the ones who get exactly what they want. Not that I want to be them, because honestly I hate people who demand the world revolve around them. I don't want that part of their personality, I just want that complete and unquestionable understanding that I am number one and that's it.
Faced with the cold, hard truth I can see that I do tend to put other people's feelings first. Heck, even my plans for a day for me last Friday were unaccomplished because others came first. Straddling that line between taking care of myself and doing for others is something that I have never been able to do. I am one who will give up my plans, alter my whatever, all for the sake of making someone else happy. To say "when do I get a turn" makes me feel selfish, rude, and quite frankly a bitch.
The problem is that I keep putting everyone and everything before my own needs and that has altered my happiness to a huge degree. The saddest part of Friday was that it seemed ok for my plans to be changed because making myself happy was just something I was lost on.
I need to find the voice to say "it's ok to put yourself in the front of the line." Even writing all this my thought is that if someone reads this they'll just think I'm horrible.
Once again I am at a place where I feel like the little girl begging someone to watch her and being told to go play [with the implied message of leave me alone.]
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