My left eyelid has been twitching now pretty steadily for
three days. I don’t think it’s a mere
coincidence that it started Monday and is lasting through the week.
Stress. When will I
learn how to manage it in some kind of healthy way? The stress will eventually subside, as it
tends to do. The ebb and flow of things
like this is natural and I suppose on some level my response is too.
I have some work things going on. That’s a very generic way of saying there are
a few things going on that are akin to a shit storm. I’m kind of on top of it all and have it
contained as well as I can, it’s just some of what’s going on is upsetting for
me and new to boot. Chalk it up to “things
I’ve never dealt with before” and can’t guarantee that I never will again, I
just know that next time I need to handle myself better.
Another part is my Dad’s health. Last night was an appointment to have a
growth on his arm looked at. The dermatologist
took a biopsy and we’ll know in a few days what kind of cancer it is. He also found numerous spots he wants to burn
off. Fine, ok, Dad’s been through spot
removal numerous times before. That’s
scheduled for three weeks from now, a week or so after he has a surgery to
uncurl his eyelid …
That’s not the part that is stressing me. I can deal with those things. What I can’t deal with is a very tired,
mentally exhausted father who is frankly tired of fighting and battling what
comes next. Not that I won’t deal with
him, rather it’s my emotions swirling around it that I am not dealing
with. I totally get what Dad is
feeling. His every day existence revolves
around how much his Parkinson’s is effecting him. How it is effecting him can be altered by
something as simple as a late dose of medicine or a near fall that startles
him. Both can cause traumatic responses
in his body.
So with any surgery we have to keep an eye on how his body
responds. He needs both eyes done, but
he’s doing one at a time because his impaired mobility would be totally
challenged by doing both eyes. Insert
frustration there about having to go through the whole procedure twice instead of
just once. I totally get it, but with
the bruising and swelling his vision will be reduced. He can’t go shuffling blind.
He’ll hopefully be on the road to recovery with that when he’ll
be having a giant chunk of his arm chopped out.
The part we haven’t discussed, but don’t even have to is that if it is a
stage of cancer that needs treatment, he’s not going to do it. We’ve discussed cancer and life ending things
and I have told him I completely support his decision and I do. I totally agree that at 87 and in failing
health any efforts would be to appease the selfishness of those of us who want
to keep him around.
On the surface all that can be read and you might say “gee,
she’s really doing well all considered.”
That my friends is where you’d be wrong.
Food … oh that glorious stuff I push into my mouth. Last night there seemed to be no end to my
eating. I ate until my stomach hurt,
until I knew one more bite would make me physically ill, and until the pain and
anger of what I did to myself consume me.
I knew better. I also knew what I
was doing. It was much easier for me to
focus on that … that physical pain … than face all the other stuff that I don’t know how to handle.
I don’t know how to handle the work issue. A couple people know what is going on, I can’t
share publicly because of confidentiality issues, but it’s not a good thing
that’s going on and I feel lost. It’s
something that is making me question a lot of things and in a way I think it’s
really a giant test that I’m trying hard to not even take.
Other stressful parts of work I’ve managed to be
victorious. Yesterday was pretty
interesting when I was given information and told “I was told you’d take care
of it.” I don’t know who made that
claim, but I did figure it out. Not
until I’d had a pound my head on the desk, scream why why why, and
hyperventilated a little bit moment (or two.)
Then I decided to see what I could figure out, deal with who I needed to
deal with, and as far as I know I did what needed to be done.
So this is me, sharing that I am dealing with something that
I am floundering at … that I have a gamut of emotions about … and I’m too
chicken to deal with a lot of them, so I’m instead killing them (and me) with
food.
Today is a new day.
Thank God for those.
How interesting … my eyelid stopped twitching as I
wrote. Release is good …
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