Lesson to be learned

I'm working on this ...

I have the dreaming part down.  Oh how I can dream!  I can look at pictures of bodies I would be thrilled to have ... it's that acting part that trips me up over and over again.  No, let me correct that, it doesn't trip me up, I trip me up.

Last week I had a doctor's appointment.  I have been feeling blue and stressed.  A lot of the stress has abated (bye bye Problem Employee ... hello promotion!) but instead of being over the top happy I'm not.  Seems silly doesn't it?  I have a job I never thought I wanted, let alone would get.  I'm making enough money now that I can breathe easy.  

I'll admit it, I wanted a magic pill.  Hell, I still want a magic pill.  I want the pill that gives me commitment to eat right and give it my all when I work out.  I want a pill to make me believe in myself when I need that push and fire.

After a good conversation with my doctor, it was established that I am not clinically depressed.  I don't want to throw myself off a bridge and wanting to consume copious amounts of pizza is not worthy of  medication.

She started listing all these things she was wondering if I felt.  It was pretty scary in that her narrative was spot on.  Like mind reading, deep look into my inner soul reveling.  I did what  I naturally do when put in a soul bearing scary situation.  I started laughing hysterically.  Yep, yep ... you're nailing it Doc ...

It was like I was a book and she was reading the summary from the book jacket, minus the "delightful tale" part.  Yes, I've climbed the mountains.  Yes, I've been back handing balls of stress being fired from a cannon over and over and OVER.  Hurdle jumping?  Sign me up for the Olympics!  

After a lot of head nodding she said "so you've got all this and handled it right?"  Yes!

"Want my honest opinion?"

YES!

"You're bored!"

"You're having a midlife crisis where you wonder what to do now with life and what the answers are!"

YES YES YES!

She said it's ok for this time to be about me.  I just don't know how to let it be about me.  She suggested some new hobbies, working with a trainer, shaking things up a bit.  I'm doing that.  I bought a camera ... I'm meeting a new trainer at 3:30 today ...

I'm working on accomplishing great things .... and accepting I already have accomplished great things.  It's just time to move forward instead of standing on this mountain thinking this is as far as I can climb ......