A Christmas story

 The last thing I thought I would have this year was a merry Christmas. I couldn’t see how it could be anything good when Michael was gone. What I didn’t know was that this Christmas would be different, but it would still be very special. 

I don’t have a very high self-esteem. I don’t expect anything to be done for me, I don’t always think I’m worthy, whether it be love or just good things.  One thing that has always stuck with me my entire life is being told I wonder how you even have friends, I don’t know why anyone would like you.

This will be the Christmas I remember and then I want to remember because of the good that came out of it. I spent Christmas Eve with my sister-in-law and her family. I spent Christmas with my family. Today I had Christmas with Michael‘s boys and their families.

Today’s Christmas celebration was one of the most special ones I’ve had in my life. I think it’s because it’s a Christmas that didn’t have to be, but it was because they wanted to do something for me. Michael‘s boys of all been together yesterday so they didn’t need to get together again, but they wanted to have Christmas with me.  They wanted to make sure that I had time with the grandchildren and to share the holiday with them. Middle son made a lovely brunch and we enjoyed mimosas. He went out of his way to make a special holiday for all of us. 

Quite frankly I’m in all of everything that has been done for me this Christmas. Christmas Eve was supposed to be a frozen lasagna and a bottle of wine. Instead it was a spaghetti dinner with laughter and good conversation. 

Car trouble meant that my brother had to pick me up for Christmas. I thanked him so much for getting me and it meant the world to be told that Christmas would not of been the same without me.

Oldest son drove the van today filling almost every seat. It was fun to ride mom and dad’s old van and it made the track in the middle son’s house a lot less lonely.

I have been so very blessed with all the wonderful friends and family who reached out to me after Michael‘s death, but nothing really compares to how Christmas turned out. Yes there have been a lot of tears, some for the pure anguish of missing Michael and some from the joy of feeling so loved.

I know Michael is watching from Heaven.  I can almost hear him say “best Christmas ever!”  I can’t agree that it was the best Christmas ever, but it was the best Christmas I could ask for if I couldn’t be with him  

Thank you Michael for the gift of your family, who I now call my own. I can’t imagine what this would’ve been like without them, but I’m so thankful I don’t have to know! 

I think as far as Christmas goes, this year I really felt what The Christmas spirit is supposed to be. There are things I want to remember being told, like I’m not an intruder, I’m family, which is what my sister-in-law said when I crashed her Christmas Eve.  I want to remember Christmas dinner at my oldest nieces house, all of us gathered around the table sharing a Christmas feast. I want to remember today with the people I consider my kids and grandkids.  I want to remember my tiny little Christmas tree that a dear friend sent because she couldn’t stand me not having a tree this year.

Basically I never want to forget the feeling I have in my heart right now. I wish I could find all the words to capture the love and the beauty of this Christmas season.  I can’t. I just can’t find the words. I can tell the stories, but I can’t capture the exact feeling in words. All I really know is that if I passed tomorrow, I passed knowing I’m loved.