Returning to Weight Watchers

Returning to Weight Watchers ... I promised I'd continue that story.  I remember going to the meeting, January 11, 2011 to be exact.  I met the leader, she seemed spunky, and I felt good about it all.

Like most who are fresh and new on the program I did great for the first year.  I kept creeping closer and closer to 50 pounds lost, but every time I would sabotage myself.  It took a lot of work to move on, so much so that I didn't reach 50 pounds lost until this spring.  That would be in April of 2015 for those keeping score.

I've had some interesting feedback over the years from people not a member.  I've been asked why I'm still going, haven't I learned everything yet?  I'm been commended for my commitment.  Lots of things in between too.  Some comments hit home and are carried and cherished, some roll off my back and I move on.

Why was this time different?  For starters, my motivation for why I was going back was different.  Last time I really lost weight I didn't do it for me.  Now to someone who hasn't been through it, that might sound crazy, I mean, it's my weight, who else can it be for?

It was for my Mom, to try and make her proud of me.  It was for the people who give you that look.  You know that look, the one that is a combination of "dammmmmmmn" and "she'd be so pretty if she lost weight."  It was to try and gain acceptance into a club that I thought would make life perfect.  It was for a number on the scale, one that started with 1, not a 2 or 3.  It was about the size of my shirt, my pants, my anything.

It was about everything but me.  I was lost in all that.  Plus it was a horrible effort to maintain that insanity.

This time I made myself one little (big) promise - this time it was for me and no one else mattered.  Now this was an easier promise to make than to keep and it's one that has taken an exceptional amount of work, but now that the foundation is down, it's easier to build on.

Doing this for me doesn't mean I am doing it alone, but it means that I prioritized myself to come first.  It also means that I count on myself to make me do what needs to be done.  No one can make you lose weight.  Counting on someone to make you exercise or make you go to WW or make you count calories doesn't work.  It doesn't mean you have bad people in your life, it just means that relying on them steals power from yourself.  For me it has been learning that all this [frantic random waving at invisible things] doesn't get to stop my journey.  All of the external forces don't get to become my excuse either.

Even though I proudly proclaim this is my journey, I'm far from alone on the road.  I have a lot of wonderful people who support me and are there for me.  I've been so fortunate to cultivate a wonderful crop of people who are there when I need them.  What I had to learn is that as much as they love and support me, unless they are going to follow me around and smack the food out of my mouth, it's still up to me.

Accepting that this is my process has made a huge difference this time.  I don't need to prove myself to anyone.  I don't feel a need to gain any one's approval.  While I do love the positive comments and love hearing them, it's not what it's all about.  I think this time with my friends it's more about sharing the accomplishments we've all met than seeking the acknowledgement.

By saying it's all about me, it seems to simplify things doesn't it?  I mean, I've just eliminated all the external forces of doom and failure, but in reality it's nothing like that.  It's about learning what issues are mine, what issues are others, and what needs attention.  I'm not bullet proof from criticism or harsh words.  They still can hurt, but they don't get to carry more weight than the good comments.  They no longer get to linger either.  I don't get to turn those words against myself, using them as an excuse on why I can't get healthy, can't lose the weight, can't dream big.

One of the hardest parts of my journey is learning to use one little word:  HELP.

Learning to use it has helped me figure out how to help myself and that's what has saved me.  I'm not asking someone to force me into behaviors as much as show me ways to steer myself.  I'm not dependent on my leader, my supporters, etc. to do the work, but I can depend on them when my boat's rocking and I need someone to steady it.  I have wonderful people that I can say "today I feel like I want to eat an entire pizza and a pound of M&M's!" and they help me figure out the why and what of the situation.

Being able to seek help is a huge step for me.  I'm stubborn, I don't like to admit I need help some times.  I used to worry about feeling silly, stupid, and weak by asking.  At some point in all the mental work I've been doing my thought patterns changed and I realized that asking for the help and support when you need it is taking care of yourself.  Opening yourself up and saying "I need assistance" makes you vulnerable and strong all at the same time.  If you've put the work in, being good support for others, then they can return it to you.  I'm blessed that I have people that I can truly pour it out to and they help me work it out.  If they don't have an answer, that's OK too, but every time you ask and expose yourself you gain a little strength.  That strength matters.  That strength carries you and you need it, because this is forever ....