A Christmas story

 The last thing I thought I would have this year was a merry Christmas. I couldn’t see how it could be anything good when Michael was gone. What I didn’t know was that this Christmas would be different, but it would still be very special. 

I don’t have a very high self-esteem. I don’t expect anything to be done for me, I don’t always think I’m worthy, whether it be love or just good things.  One thing that has always stuck with me my entire life is being told I wonder how you even have friends, I don’t know why anyone would like you.

This will be the Christmas I remember and then I want to remember because of the good that came out of it. I spent Christmas Eve with my sister-in-law and her family. I spent Christmas with my family. Today I had Christmas with Michael‘s boys and their families.

Today’s Christmas celebration was one of the most special ones I’ve had in my life. I think it’s because it’s a Christmas that didn’t have to be, but it was because they wanted to do something for me. Michael‘s boys of all been together yesterday so they didn’t need to get together again, but they wanted to have Christmas with me.  They wanted to make sure that I had time with the grandchildren and to share the holiday with them. Middle son made a lovely brunch and we enjoyed mimosas. He went out of his way to make a special holiday for all of us. 

Quite frankly I’m in all of everything that has been done for me this Christmas. Christmas Eve was supposed to be a frozen lasagna and a bottle of wine. Instead it was a spaghetti dinner with laughter and good conversation. 

Car trouble meant that my brother had to pick me up for Christmas. I thanked him so much for getting me and it meant the world to be told that Christmas would not of been the same without me.

Oldest son drove the van today filling almost every seat. It was fun to ride mom and dad’s old van and it made the track in the middle son’s house a lot less lonely.

I have been so very blessed with all the wonderful friends and family who reached out to me after Michael‘s death, but nothing really compares to how Christmas turned out. Yes there have been a lot of tears, some for the pure anguish of missing Michael and some from the joy of feeling so loved.

I know Michael is watching from Heaven.  I can almost hear him say “best Christmas ever!”  I can’t agree that it was the best Christmas ever, but it was the best Christmas I could ask for if I couldn’t be with him  

Thank you Michael for the gift of your family, who I now call my own. I can’t imagine what this would’ve been like without them, but I’m so thankful I don’t have to know! 

I think as far as Christmas goes, this year I really felt what The Christmas spirit is supposed to be. There are things I want to remember being told, like I’m not an intruder, I’m family, which is what my sister-in-law said when I crashed her Christmas Eve.  I want to remember Christmas dinner at my oldest nieces house, all of us gathered around the table sharing a Christmas feast. I want to remember today with the people I consider my kids and grandkids.  I want to remember my tiny little Christmas tree that a dear friend sent because she couldn’t stand me not having a tree this year.

Basically I never want to forget the feeling I have in my heart right now. I wish I could find all the words to capture the love and the beauty of this Christmas season.  I can’t. I just can’t find the words. I can tell the stories, but I can’t capture the exact feeling in words. All I really know is that if I passed tomorrow, I passed knowing I’m loved. 

You're always there for me

 Yesterday my check engine light came on.  My car had died before this happened.  My first thought was I didn't have you to contact or care.

I drove to the dealership, they ran the diagnostics, found the problem and had it fixed in about a half hour.  I cried when I left because I realized you were still watching over me.

Love and miss you!

One month

 One month ...

How can it already be one month? It seems like you just left me yesterday. I miss you so much! I miss laughing with you!  I miss all the silly little things you used to do that would make me roll my eyes. I miss having my best friend.

I would do it all over again even with the same outcome. I am so fortunate and so blessed that I had so many days with you. I know you’re right beside me and you’re always with me.

Oh how I miss my Michael!

Time is flying

 How can it already be a week and a half since Michael passed?  It doesn't seem real, then I see the pile of laundry I have and it becomes real.  (Michael did the laundry!)

This past week has been the most love filled week I have ever had.  While it's ironically the absolute worst week ever, the love that I've been shown has lifted me so high.  I keep writing about the love because I am scared I will forget what it has felt like.

Growing up I knew my parents and family loved me, but I always had the underlying message from my mother that I wasn't good enough.  Too fat.  Too messy.  Too loud.  Too wrong.

 When I met Michael it took me a long time to really believe he loved me.  It was years before I settled in and realized it was forever.  For ages I waited for him to see that I was too much ... too much to love.

He never did.  In fact, while he'd hate me for this, he'd sometimes well up with tears and tell me how much he loved me.  Such statements were always met with a hug, a kiss, and a reassurance that I too loved him so much.  He never knew that those moments caused me to step back and wonder just who was this woman he loved.  He honestly was the one single person who taught me that I am worthy of love.

Knowing I'm worthy isn't an easy battle.  I'm still in awe of the love handed out so generously this past week and half.  From the oldest person I know, to the youngest, there has been comfort and love.  Everyone's words and actions have helped me piece myself together and start putting one foot in front on the other.

How blessed am I?

 I lost my best friend this week. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.  Nothing prepares you for the loss of someone you love especially when it’s sudden. Literally one minute he was here with me and the next he was gone.

Tonight was Michael’s visitation. I was actually nervous to go, I didn’t know what to expect. I did better than I thought seeing him there in his coffin. My very first thought was oh that’s where you’ve been all week, like he’d  just been off on some kind of journey.

Perhaps the saddest thing is it takes a tragedy to find out who’s really there for you. Or maybe you just didn’t realize they were there for you, or you weren’t aware of how much they loved you. All I know is that tonight I was surrounded by love and laughter. 

I never want to forget how it felt tonight to be wrapped up in the love of family and friends. It just felt so good.  I think every hug tonight helped heal my broken heart just a little bit. I am so blessed and so fortunate to be loved.

My guy

 You changed my world forever almost 20 years ago. I didn’t know that blind date would turn into a lifetime.

So many times you’ve made me laugh and a few times you made me cry, but every day you brought a smile to my face and joy into my world.

It’s going on three days and I still can’t believe you left me. I don’t know if I will ever stop waiting for you to come down the hallway, singing one of your silly songs or dancing one of your silly dances.

Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for teaching me that I was worth being loved. You will always be my best friend.

I love you Michael!

Emotionally I'm a slinky

 My emotions are all over the place lately.  I want to succeed.  I want to nap.  I want to not hurt.  I want to be stronger, but I don't want to workout.

I keep throwing in back to where I want to be in a year.  A full week of my 52nd year has already flown by.  Over all it was a good week, but it could have been better.  It could have been a lot worse too.  I need to adjust my attitude and become a more positive person.  Like the annoying optimist I used to be when I was a kid.

The coach I'm working with asked some hard questions of us this week.  I need to sit and answer them.

So if you’re having trouble truly believing that reality is possible for yourself, how do you change it?

It starts with breaking all your old, false beliefs.

In order to make way for the new, you need to get rid of the old.

So what old beliefs are still hanging around for you? I'm too handicapped for this to work.

Do you believe you need to be perfect 100% of the time to see progress and beat yourself up every time you’re not? yes!

Do you believe you’re a failure and it’s inevitable that everything is going to crash eventually and you’ll gain all the weight back? Of course I am a failure, I haven't lost much weight yet to gain it back!

Do you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy and live the life you want? I deserve this!

Do you believe it’s going to be far too difficult to make the change in your life you know you need to make and that you’re just not strong enough? I am strong enough, I just need to learn to be patient.

If these are the beliefs you have, you’re not likely going to be able to create new beliefs about the life and the identity you want to have.

You need to get rid of these beliefs first.

How do you do that?

Look at them from an outside perspective. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and evaluate those beliefs that you have about yourself.

Are they actually true? No, not all of them.  Any of them?  I'm not a failure.  I know there is no such thing as perfect.  All or nothing thinking is the thief of so many joys.

Are there any actual reasons for you to have these beliefs? Because I'm not seeing the progress as fast as I think I should.

Is there any factual evidence to support those ideas you have about yourself and your abilities? no

Or is there a chance that they are wrong? They could be wrong ....

What evidence or proof do you have that supports an idea different than these beliefs you have about yourself? I'm working out more consistently than I have in forever and I'm doing hard workouts.

What have you done lately that has shown that they aren’t true?  I've been working out and eating healthier.  I didn't even eat birthday cake ON MY BIRTHDAY because I wasn't hungry and didn't want it.  This is amazing progress! 

My brain is my worst enemy and needs to be turned into my greatest strength.  I'm working on this.  And patience.  I'm always working on patience. <sigh>

Another year, another step

 Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Karen, happy birthday to me!

It's been a long time since I've written anything ... I just reread my last entry.  Things have changed since then, just not as dramatically as I hoped.

I'm working with a coach now.  His name is Andrew and he's helping me get my mind unfucked and get in shape.  Not an easy task at all, but one he seems uniquely able to do.  He's far from sunshine and lollypops.  No smoke blown up your ass.  He manages to deliver cold hard truths in a manner that doesn't leave a gaping hole in every fiber of your being.  He's teaching me to embrace the suck and keep moving forward through this process.  Embracing the suck ... so hard yet so vital, because it really does suck.  He's also the most intense cheerleader you could ever find and that keeps me motivated.  He makes me think.  He makes me work on the mental part way more than I want to, because he knows I need it.

As always a birthday is a day to reflect.  I look at past pictures and feel a range of emotions.  Like how 6 years ago I was a fat size that I'd love to be now.  Still fat, just not *as* fat.  Pictures were taken of me yesterday, playing with my grandson, and my heart snapped in half when I saw how big I look.  Past times would send me into a eating binge, thinking what the fuck, I can't change, but not this time.

Every year I say the same thing - this year will be different! XX year is my year!  I'm going to crush it!  This year will be different.  I'm putting the work in and not just wishing it would happen.  It's going to fly by no matter what ... seems like all the years do any more.  I want to look at those pictures from yesterday and say "holy shit, look how far I've come!  Can't believe that was me!"

I'm fortunate I have great support.  I have a group of people I can reach out to when I'm having an I don't want to day that will say "just get your ass in the gym and do it!"  Many times for me that's all I need, someone to say GO.  Actually what it takes is me admitting I need help.  I suck at that.  I'm more likely to hide with my secrets and suffer in silence.

So here's to my 52nd year... it's going to be what I make it ... so it will be one of progress!

That's the weigh it goes

I recommitted myself to being more fit and watching what I eat on the first of February.  I'm proud to announce in that time I have gained 4.8 pounds.  Sorry, my sarcasm font wasn't working there.

GAINED!

How many ways are there to say how frustrated I am?

But you must feel better!

NOPE!

You're building muscle!

Not that much.

I'm tired.  I ache.  I move like a 90 year old.  My back hurts if I stand too long.  I'm at my highest weight in years.  My clothes aren't any looser.  Please tell me again how much good I'm doing my body, because I'm not seeing it.

My friend Jen reminded me that being overweight is hard too, so sometimes you have to choose your hard.  I'm choosing this hard in hopes that things do turn around.

Every day

Stop saying "last time I am going to lose weight" ... start there. Start saying "everyday I am just treating my body well!"  — Erica Love Fit to me. 

That is the standard I want to strive for.  It goes along with my other new statement...

I am working hard to change my health and I am happy with my progress — me!

I was having a conversation in a Facebook group about what we were struggling with related to weight loss. I mentioned I am at the point where I have sabotaged myself in the past. I’m getting into a gym routine. I’m tracking my food. I’m losing weight. I’m proud of myself. I want this to be the LAST TIME I lose weight. 

This is exactly where I need to be to fuck it up. 

I have pride issues. I immediately go to the opposite side and act like an idiot. I have severe self esteem issues, so feeling proud always makes me feel like I’m a braggart and I was raised being told no one likes a braggart. It’s so ingrained in me that I can twist any complement around to prove I’m not worthy. 

I was told yesterday I motivated someone I know to workout. My inner reaction was pride, then I let it turn ugly. How could I motivate someone?  If she only knew the real me who binge eats in secret!

That has been the real me. It may be again. But now I will start my day thinking “everyday I am just treating my body well!” and work on honoring that. 

I am working hard on getting healthy. I’m working on the physical, I’m working on the mental part, and both are HARD!  Actually the mental part is harder for me. I can hit the gym and leave with my muscles spent, but this damn brain of mine has thrown many wrenches in the gears.

I’m so thankful for the support in this journey. I’m thankful for everyone who is helping me heal and reach my goals. I find it hard to believe I’m worthy of the amazing support I get, but I’m working on that too. 

Never ever