Saying goodbye to some stress

For the last six months my job has been causing me a lot of stress.  It's been enough to bother my sleep, which means it's bad.  The main issue is that we are changing our library operating system.  Everything I've been doing for 15 years is going to change.

The most stressful part is that I'm on the transition committee.  Really, I feel like this was the equivalent of putting a color blind person on sock sorting duty.  It's not that I think I'm stupid, I just know it takes me a while to learn things and I prefer hands on learning.  A lot of what we are doing is abstract.

Since July/August I have known that I had to pass a test to be a certified administrator of this system.  Since then I've been waiting to feel like I had a grasp on the materials to take the test.  Since yesterday was such a pivotal day with my fat, I thought why not make today another big step!

I took the test!  I passed the test on my first try!!!  It was a 40 question, 90 minute timed test and I finished it in 50 minutes ... and only messed up one section, so I PASSED!  It seems passe to say I feel a weight lift off my shoulders, but seriously, I feel it.  I was instantly happier, calmer, more relaxed and felt lighter than I have in months.

A year from now I'll be laughing at myself for ever being this nervous about the system.  I year from now we'll be 6 months in on using it and I'll wonder how we did things without it.  Until then, I just have a lower level of stress until we go live in June.

I am kind of curious how much I've eaten/drank to detract from the real emotions of this test.  I'm guessing quite a bit, because it's never been too out of my thoughts.  It's been lurking, popping up a few times a week at work and sometimes out of the blue on the weekends.  I don't take my work home with me, other than some rants now and then, so this has really impacted my life.

Did I mention I passed? 

It's a good day!

The State of my Fatness Address

The State of my Fatness Address

Dear friends, it has come to my attention that I need to address what my weight is really doing to me.  I don’t like writing this all out, denial is so much easier, but denial is what has led me here.

I am fat.  Morbidly obese to be concise.  My fat affects everything I do.  Literally nothing I do is without a reminder of the weight I carry.  

Even before I get dressed my weight is waiting for me, the minute I get my body out of bed.  The way I move, the way I shift myself.  It shouldn’t be a process to get out of bed.  Then my legs hit the floor and I think “is it going to be a good or bad day?”  Some of that is from the affects of the car crash so many years ago, but my weight intensifies it.

When I look in the mirror, I see my round face staring back at me.  The slight terror of another chin starting to lurk below my bony, real one.  Gone is the face that had cheekbones.  In it’s place I see the moon.

Getting dressed in the morning?  I feel the weight of my body as I squeeze into clothes.  Some days I even wonder “is this going to fit okay?” as I’m putting something on.  I can (and have) worked up a sweat putting my socks and shoes on.  I don’t bend like I want to bend, or at least the way I think I should be able to bend.

I’ve already dealt with all of this and I’ve only been up a half hour or so.  It’s no wonder I’m exhausted physically and mentally.

So today I’m saying goodbye to the doubt that plagues my mind.  I can lose weight and I will lose weight.  It will be a slow process with many hurdles, some back slides, and some implosions.  Basically, what I’m saying is, it isn’t going to be pretty.  It doesn’t have to be.  This is my journey and my story has never been the boring, basic path.

I ask that you keep me in your thoughts, throw an encouraging word at me now and then, and remain the amazing cheering squad you’ve always been.I also need to remind myself of this – this confessional about my weight.  It’s a scary thing to put out there, but I’m doing it.  I can do hard and scary things!  I can do this!

The lecture that didn't happen

I saw my primary care physician yesterday and all day I dreaded her lecturing me.  I know my weight is bad.  I know it's bad FOR me.  I was so anxious about it, my blood pressure was high (for me!)

I decided instead of giving her a chance to lay into me, I'd point out the elephant in the room (literally) and address my "State of Fatness" with her.

I mentioned I'm fatter, I'm not motivated and it sucks.

Her golden reply "girl, I feel you!"

We discussed my overall health and all my numbers are good, so she said to realize I am actually still healthy, so ..... it is just my weight right now.

 My visit started and ended with a hug.  In between the two, she reassured me that I can lose weight, I am capable, and it will all come together when I finally make it happen.

That's the key though, I finally have to make it happen.

I'm working on some baby steps.  Drinking water.  Moving more.  Smaller portions.  Cutting out as many snacks.

The drinking water part automatically makes me move more.  I have to cross the building to get to our bottled water and then drinking it, well, you know what happens, water in, water out!  I have noticed I'm not as hungry and I feel a little more awake when I drink water.  I am going to keep this up and it will become a habit.

Progress!

How much fat can a fat girl fat?

Psst.  Wanna know a secret?  I'm fat.

Not just a little fat, a LOT fat.

I'm officially the fattest I've been in the last 10 years.

I announce that like I'm proud, but the reality of it is I want to bury my head under the covers and pretend this isn't my life.

No one sets out to be fat.  Sure, you'll get the fat empowerment folks who scream how they are healthy and fat is good.  That's fine, for them at least.  It's not for me.

My body is tired when it shouldn't be.

Things that should be easy are hard.

I don't like how my clothes fit.

I hate how I feel when I move.

I'm frustrated, but I know it all is up to me.  I'm going to see my doctor in 45 minutes and I will be shocked if I don't get a lecture on my weight.

*insert huge sigh*

I know what to do.  I just have to do it.

I HAVE TO DO IT!