20 questions

So for the last few weeks I have been working my way through 20 questions in the book “The Big fat truth” by J.D. Roth.  (Available on Amazon)  To give a little background, J.D. is the person responsible for creating Biggest Loser and Extreme Makeover.  Not only were the concepts his, but he became involved in the process of vetting, choosing, mentoring, and supporting the show’s contestant/selected players.  After many seasons and dealing with thousands of people, he has a valuable insight to what can help or hinder you in the weight loss process.

Pretty early in his book he talks about two BL contestants.  On the night before the final weigh in one went out to dinner with friends and family, enjoyed a moderate but wonderful dinner (and the company) and the other one worked out like his life depended on it, purging water weight and consuming pretty much nothing.  As expected the guy who went out to dinner lost.  I think it was by an obscenely close margin too.  At first he was upset and mad at himself, but then he took inventory of what he won.  He was able to live with the program and live a happy life.  Big deal, the other guy won a quarter million dollars.

Guess who still has the weight off?  The one who DIDN’T play the game…

Yep, the winner gained all his weight and more back.  Why?  His motives weren’t right for sustainable weight loss, they were right for winning the BL.

That story made me think quite a bit.  Since it’s been well over 10 years since these two went for the prize and looking from where I stand, it’s clear to see who the real winner is. Keeping the weight off 10 years?  I’d take that!

So that brings me to the toughest question for me to answer.  Other questions were emotional and brought up things I may not want to face, but that final one has slowed me down for over a week. "Because" is not a complete answer.  It took about 5 days for it to really hit me.

I’m worth it.

It … what’s it?  The work.  The fight.  The struggle.  The rewards.  The results.  I am worth it all and I deserve it all.

Working with Diablo has altered my world quite a bit, not just from a physical standpoint.  He has pushed my body harder than I thought I could go.  After what he said Tuesday night, I had to really face that food is the last tether I’m holding on with my “I can’t do this" logic.  Before I had working out AND food.  Now I don’t have working out.  Not only do I not have it, he’s crushed my views on what I can do.  I have always put the qualifier on myself of being handicapped, because I am.  It’s always been “that was a good workout …. For a handicap ….”

I was trying to explain my screwed logic to him after our workout and he stopped me short.  “Do you know why this is hard for you?  Because it’s hard for EVERYONE!  You are no different!!!”  I’ve been told that before, but for some reason (ok, I’ve watched him beat other people up) this time it stuck.

After talking to someone else who trains with him, it really did hit home.  This was a conversation with someone that is very fit, works very hard, and I’ve called “insane” many times.  I was lamenting on the fact that Diablo doesn’t give me any breaks and I swear I have seen him give others a break.  Her reply was “he doesn’t give me breaks either, he doesn’t give any of the people who can really do it breaks because he knows what we can do better than we can.  He knows who has it and who doesn’t and you have it!”

There’s that it again.  It.  I want it.  But I have it.  But I want more it.  And I will get it.  And I will let go of the past that keeps me from getting it and embrace the past that pushes me to get it.

So that’s why this time is different.  Because IT is.

My date with the Devil

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

The plan with Diablo this week was legs.  Just legs.  45 minutes of non-stop leg fun.  I saw him Monday and I think he was salivating in anticipation.  I was quite frightened and I think it was justifiable.

I was nervous because I was afraid he was really going to find things that I would be saying “no, I can’t physically do that.”  After last night I fully put my trust into him.  He had said early on that his goal was to show me what I was really capable of and that he looked forward to showing me what my body could do.

His initial statement of this didn’t have the depth of meaning it has now.  I thought at the time that it was a daunting statement, but it was met mentally with my own internal dialogue.  That internal dialogue has statements like “for a handicapped woman” and “for a fat woman.”  For the most part everything I have done in my life has carried those qualifiers.  Not always as negative, but more as a fact.  I am both those things.  In my mind these are things that carry huge limitations.  I think they also carry huge excuses with them.

As a baseline, yes, my physical limitations do mean that there are things I cannot do.  I cannot do kneeling, true burpees, sprint, and some other things.  For me, I’ve always let this loom over me like a dark cloud.  Seriously, as an image it would be a big, gloomy storm cloud filled with all the can’ts that keep me from being able to do things.  This cloud was also a comparison of myself to other people.  Other people can do this and that, I can’t.  Other people can just go for a run.  I can’t.  Other people can do a plan old google search for workouts and find something that can do.  I can’t – I have to adapt or skip many things.  Ten easy moves to toned arms?  Yeah, I might be able to do two of them.

This tends to lead me into a spiral of negativity.  I don’t think I was intentionally limiting myself, it was just that I never had someone really take away the handicap from my limitations.  It’s hard to explain, because obviously he finds things that I can do, but … I think it’s that what he finds me is still so hard I want to collapse when I’m doing it.  It’s the fact that he is showing me to work really hard.  Before I started working with him, I used to watch him work people, shake my head and offer them my sympathies.  The people who were putting in the effort with him always looked like they were dying a bit …

I’ve worked hard before.  I have had great trainers before (Kay!) but there is something different about him … and me.  I have been working on my thinking and accepting my body, but as with a lot of things in my life, I have to just step back and accept that things happen for a reason.  I’m learning that while my limitations do get to be a qualifier on some of my physical activity, there are ways around them.  He’s teaching me that the things I can’t do don’t matter one bit.  The parts that matter are what I can do and that I am capable of doing them well.  He’s not one to praise you easily.  For him to say you’ve done a good job, you have to earn it.  No false encouragement.  No going lightly.  Nearly puking doesn’t slow him down.  For every part of me that screams “I can’t do any more” he says “oh yes you can!” and makes me go until I’m right … I can’t do any more.  I can’t use that muscle, it’s shot, it’s burnt out, it’s jelly.

Last night I was the one getting sympathies from people.  I was the one getting “what have you done to that poor girl!?!?”  Know what?  I felt like I won a gold medal.  In writing this and thinking back on my observations of his training with various people, something occurred with me.  Last night the only breaks I got were ones I demanded, whether to steady myself, breathe, or just swallow down the bile coming up from working.  That’s it.  I thought last night “well you let other people rest, I’ve seen you do it!”  In getting to know Diablo better, it hit me as I was writing this that he’s only able to push me as much as I am willing to be pushed.  The other people get more rest because they aren’t able or willing to push.  I probably could fight harder to have more of a break … oh who am I kidding, I wouldn’t get it, but I realize that is because of what he sees in me.  He obviously knows how to read people, to judge what they can and cannot do, to know how far he can push and to know when it’s enough.

Knowing he has judged me as someone who can work that hard …….

It makes me proud of myself in a way I’ve never experienced.  This is entirely new for me.  I feel stronger, capable and the least handicapped I’ve felt in years.  Can’t wait to see what next week brings!

Limits? Push 'em!

Ok, so the quitting lasted until Saturday.  I ate whatever I wanted in rapid succession.  By Saturday morning my shoes didn’t fit and wiggling into my swimsuit scared the cat.

So I quit on quitting.

But I didn’t really do what I was supposed to do.

Last week as my buddy and I left the gym she mentioned to the personal trainer I’d had several sessions with that I needed an attitude adjustment.  We set it up for yesterday afternoon.

I need a name for this man.  I used to call my previous trainer Satan’s personal trainer, but this guy … he’d make Satan beg for mercy.  I think I shall refer to him as Diablo, because he is quite frankly, diabolical.  The two previous sessions I had with him were mostly about developing the strength in my left arm.  Yesterday I casually mentioned that my left leg was weaker than my right and some time I’d like to address that too.

It’s times like this that I wonder what the hell is wrong with me?  I mean, am I so simple that I don’t realize that saying this was equal to saying “hey, can you help me beat myself so badly I feel like I’ve tumbled down a mountain side?

Am I?

Yes.  Very much so.  But no, no I’m not.  I’d already seen how Diablo can push me to limits I didn’t know I had.   I’d already seen how well his methods work.  I think inside I knew I needed to test these limits.

I spent 40 minutes, one on one with him.  I did everything he asked to my best ability.  I only took breaks when I thought I was going to pass out or puke.  Over and over.  My god, I squatted at a minimum of 50 times!!!  I pushed until I wanted to scream and my limbs were shaking.

And I loved it …..

Every.

Single.

Second.

I am learning that I feel my best when I have pushed myself and gone where I haven’t gone before.  With the 5k and this … my limits were tested and I passed my wildest dreams.  Working with him makes me feel like I can be the strong woman I want to be.  The muscled and fit woman I want to be.

I think I realized this when as I left he said what he wanted to do next time and my reply was "let's set it up ...."

I’d write more but my arms are too tired to type ….

Well played Diablo!  Well played me!