My date with the Devil

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

The plan with Diablo this week was legs.  Just legs.  45 minutes of non-stop leg fun.  I saw him Monday and I think he was salivating in anticipation.  I was quite frightened and I think it was justifiable.

I was nervous because I was afraid he was really going to find things that I would be saying “no, I can’t physically do that.”  After last night I fully put my trust into him.  He had said early on that his goal was to show me what I was really capable of and that he looked forward to showing me what my body could do.

His initial statement of this didn’t have the depth of meaning it has now.  I thought at the time that it was a daunting statement, but it was met mentally with my own internal dialogue.  That internal dialogue has statements like “for a handicapped woman” and “for a fat woman.”  For the most part everything I have done in my life has carried those qualifiers.  Not always as negative, but more as a fact.  I am both those things.  In my mind these are things that carry huge limitations.  I think they also carry huge excuses with them.

As a baseline, yes, my physical limitations do mean that there are things I cannot do.  I cannot do kneeling, true burpees, sprint, and some other things.  For me, I’ve always let this loom over me like a dark cloud.  Seriously, as an image it would be a big, gloomy storm cloud filled with all the can’ts that keep me from being able to do things.  This cloud was also a comparison of myself to other people.  Other people can do this and that, I can’t.  Other people can just go for a run.  I can’t.  Other people can do a plan old google search for workouts and find something that can do.  I can’t – I have to adapt or skip many things.  Ten easy moves to toned arms?  Yeah, I might be able to do two of them.

This tends to lead me into a spiral of negativity.  I don’t think I was intentionally limiting myself, it was just that I never had someone really take away the handicap from my limitations.  It’s hard to explain, because obviously he finds things that I can do, but … I think it’s that what he finds me is still so hard I want to collapse when I’m doing it.  It’s the fact that he is showing me to work really hard.  Before I started working with him, I used to watch him work people, shake my head and offer them my sympathies.  The people who were putting in the effort with him always looked like they were dying a bit …

I’ve worked hard before.  I have had great trainers before (Kay!) but there is something different about him … and me.  I have been working on my thinking and accepting my body, but as with a lot of things in my life, I have to just step back and accept that things happen for a reason.  I’m learning that while my limitations do get to be a qualifier on some of my physical activity, there are ways around them.  He’s teaching me that the things I can’t do don’t matter one bit.  The parts that matter are what I can do and that I am capable of doing them well.  He’s not one to praise you easily.  For him to say you’ve done a good job, you have to earn it.  No false encouragement.  No going lightly.  Nearly puking doesn’t slow him down.  For every part of me that screams “I can’t do any more” he says “oh yes you can!” and makes me go until I’m right … I can’t do any more.  I can’t use that muscle, it’s shot, it’s burnt out, it’s jelly.

Last night I was the one getting sympathies from people.  I was the one getting “what have you done to that poor girl!?!?”  Know what?  I felt like I won a gold medal.  In writing this and thinking back on my observations of his training with various people, something occurred with me.  Last night the only breaks I got were ones I demanded, whether to steady myself, breathe, or just swallow down the bile coming up from working.  That’s it.  I thought last night “well you let other people rest, I’ve seen you do it!”  In getting to know Diablo better, it hit me as I was writing this that he’s only able to push me as much as I am willing to be pushed.  The other people get more rest because they aren’t able or willing to push.  I probably could fight harder to have more of a break … oh who am I kidding, I wouldn’t get it, but I realize that is because of what he sees in me.  He obviously knows how to read people, to judge what they can and cannot do, to know how far he can push and to know when it’s enough.

Knowing he has judged me as someone who can work that hard …….

It makes me proud of myself in a way I’ve never experienced.  This is entirely new for me.  I feel stronger, capable and the least handicapped I’ve felt in years.  Can’t wait to see what next week brings!