Better day

 Today is a much better day.  I don't have the endless loop going through my head.  Instead I just wonder more about the man who died.  I wish I knew his story.  I wish he could have gotten the help he needed.  He was 64, so I'm assuming whatever demons he's been battling were strong and he was tired of fighting.

I used to be very strong in my stance that suicide was a very selfish thing and I've softened to that some what.  I can't even being to fathom what was going on that putting yourself under a train was better than dealing with.

I think most of us have had dark times, but that is something different that I gather most of us don't truly understand to its fullest.

At any rate, I hope the man has found the peace he was so longing for.  I pray for his family who are trying to accept and process this tragedy.

Shock

 I’m working on processing when I saw it this afternoon. Part of my brain is fighting saying it really didn’t happen, that I imagined it all. 

I saw someone run in front of a train today. They came sprinting out of nowhere, to go right in front of the train. I was the only one on my side of the gate that saw it. I still can’t quite process what I saw. It was just a couple seconds. My first thought was is that idiot trying to beat the train, but I didn’t even get to finish the thought. I saw his body flinch, and the train just ate it up. Then there was a pile of debris that came from under the train, garbage I’m sure combined with body parts.

I probably shouldn’t be writing about something so gruesome, but I need to let it out. I need to get it out of my head. I keep seeing it over and over again.  I’ve talk to everyone I can talk to. Doesn’t matter cause I just keep saying the same thing: I can’t believe what I saw.

My prayers are with a conductor of the train and with the person’s family. My prayers are for the officers who had to walk the tracks and find the body. I say find the body because that’s really what it was, a hunt for the body. When I called 911 to see if they needed my statement they asked me if I knew where the body was because they hadn’t found it yet.  I felt bad because I couldn’t help, but I was also thankful I wasn’t close enough to know. 

Every piece of paper that blew by caught my attention.  What if that was a suicide note?  A sheet of yellow legal paper with large printed lettering from a thick black marker went by and my thought was should I catch it?  There’s no way I could have yet what if....

My prayers are also with the person who was hit. If it was suicide, I’m sorry you thought that was your only option. If you were trying to beat the train, I’m sorry you were so reckless. Either way at least two of us saw your life slip away today and your death will affect us too.  For that I’ll admit I’m already a little angry at you. I didn’t need to see you die today. That conductor doesn’t deserve to see the image of you running to the tracks in an endless loop, as I’m sure he’s doing. I know I keep replaying it. It’s like a GIF in my head,  run run whoosh, run run whoosh. 

Truthfully I’d like to pretend you made it to the other side, but I know you didn’t. I saw that you didn’t. I can only hope in time the image of your last second will be a little faded in my mind.  Maybe that’s selfish of me but so be it. I deserve the image becoming blurry in time. 

Run run whoosh. 

I want it to stop!

5 months

 On Friday it was 5 months since Michael's passing.  No, I didn't forget, I just didn't write about it.  I'm not sure how it can be this long already since that horrible morning.

I still have moments when I think it's all a bad dream.  He can't really be gone.  This cannot be reality.  But then it sinks in that it's the truth, he's gone.

Having your partner pass flips your whole life up-side-down.  All the things they used to do are now yours to do.  All the things you did for them are now gone.  There is no us any more, so you have to learn to cook for one, if you cook at all. The garbage doesn't take itself out.  Laundry is a smaller load and mostly done because you're out of underwear.

Grocery shopping is hard.  It's a combination of "oh, he'd like that" and "well, I'm not making that just for me."  After 20 years it's hard to remember that the only one who cares what you buy is you!  Dinner time is now whenever you are hungry.  Bedtime is whenever you fall asleep, even if it's on the couch.

The new house will be a good thing.  New routines.  New normals.  Less reminders of what used to be and no longer is.  Death has dissolved "ours" and left it with "mine."  Michael's house again feels more like Michael's house, because the "us" that made it a home is gone.

The sadness still sneaks up on me.  Some days I'm okay, I acknowledge he's gone, I think about him, I remember the love we shared.  Other days it's a ton of bricks on your head crushing in the reality that he's gone and will never do all the things you took for granted before.

And then there were walls!

 My bedroom wall!  I'm so excited I can't stand it!  I am really going to have a new house!

Yesterday I ventured to the basement, the scariest part of the house to pack.  I was overwhelmed by all the stuff I needed to go through, so I took inventory, marked some stuff with post it notes, moved a few totes around, and admitted defeat.  I ended up offering to bribe a friend to help and thankfully she's going to help and said bribery was not needed!

The closer it gets to moving time, the more I am kind of freaking out.  I have lived in the house I'm in for almost 20 years.  I can find my way around in the dark.  I'm familiar with it that way.  Now I'm going to have to learn a new layout.  I'm prepared.  I bought night lights! *grin*

Another step closer

 Talking with my cousin today I realized it’s 8 weeks until I’m supposed to close on my house.  Something about it being eight weeks kind of got me.  When I started this process it was January. Talking about four months in the future seem like forever. 

I drove by the building site today and they are starting to frame it up. There is wood going up around the foundation and I see the true beginnings of what will be my home. I find that very exciting.

I drove by the building site today and they are starting to frame it up. There is wood going up around the foundation and I see the true beginnings of what will be my home. I find that very exciting.

After that I stopped at my sister-in-law’s store to check out mattresses and bed frames. I’m downsizing to a queen size bed because that’s what most practical and I really want a fresh start. Ended up getting a bed with an adjustable frame so I can put my feet and head up and down and it also has massage features. I laugh about that part.

Wasn’t until after I left that it hit me… Buying a new mattress was such a big deal to Michael and I and this time I did it alone. I’m doing things that he’s not a part of and it makes my heart ache a little bit.  Plus I feel that leaving our king size bed behind is like leaving a part of him behind. There is an amount of guilt, definitely a large amount of sadness. Sometimes I feel like I’m not moving on, I’m moving away. It’s hard because you want to hold onto so many memories, grasping them as tightly to you as you can. But the reality is they are just memories, they’re not the stuff, not the material items.

It’s hard because you want to hold onto so many memories, grasping them as tightly to you as you can. But the reality is they are just memories, they’re not the stuff, not the material items.  Still I feel that parting with his stuff means I’m leaving parts of him behind. I feel like I’m abandoning him and I’m really having a hard time with that today.

Still I feel that parting with his stuff means I’m leaving parts of him behind. I feel like I’m abandoning him and I’m really having a hard time with that today.

In a little over two months I’ll be leaving this house for the last time. It won’t be the home that he and I shared anymore. It will be getting a little sprucing up and then going on the market for someone else to call home. I’m not sure how I feel about that.  My wish is that whoever does live here shares as much love and laughter is Michael and I did.

I will never lose the memories of the time shared at this house, but I know that there will be happy memories made in my new house. 

time for a shot?

 This morning I was making coffee and noticed there was a little single shot bottle of rum laying on the stove.  I have NO idea where it came from.  It was NOT there yesterday (or the day before!)  I have used the stove, granted not frequently, but there is no reason for it to be there.

I felt like Michael was reminding me of our date nights on Friday.  We always had margaritas and Mexican food at Los Panchos.  Either that or he was encouraging me to drink my breakfast!  At any rate, it was definitely a sign from him.

I found my face flooded with tears on my drive to work.  I miss that man.  I miss the fun we had together.  I miss laughing every day.  I miss the normal routine we had.  I miss his back scratches.  I miss the joy he always felt in spring when things started blooming.  I miss his enthusiasm to celebrate Easter, complete with Easter baskets for us and others.  I miss having someone to share a ham with.

I just miss him.

But I know I'm blessed.  I've had someone in my life who brought me joy and love, and so many never experience that.