Shock

 I’m working on processing when I saw it this afternoon. Part of my brain is fighting saying it really didn’t happen, that I imagined it all. 

I saw someone run in front of a train today. They came sprinting out of nowhere, to go right in front of the train. I was the only one on my side of the gate that saw it. I still can’t quite process what I saw. It was just a couple seconds. My first thought was is that idiot trying to beat the train, but I didn’t even get to finish the thought. I saw his body flinch, and the train just ate it up. Then there was a pile of debris that came from under the train, garbage I’m sure combined with body parts.

I probably shouldn’t be writing about something so gruesome, but I need to let it out. I need to get it out of my head. I keep seeing it over and over again.  I’ve talk to everyone I can talk to. Doesn’t matter cause I just keep saying the same thing: I can’t believe what I saw.

My prayers are with a conductor of the train and with the person’s family. My prayers are for the officers who had to walk the tracks and find the body. I say find the body because that’s really what it was, a hunt for the body. When I called 911 to see if they needed my statement they asked me if I knew where the body was because they hadn’t found it yet.  I felt bad because I couldn’t help, but I was also thankful I wasn’t close enough to know. 

Every piece of paper that blew by caught my attention.  What if that was a suicide note?  A sheet of yellow legal paper with large printed lettering from a thick black marker went by and my thought was should I catch it?  There’s no way I could have yet what if....

My prayers are also with the person who was hit. If it was suicide, I’m sorry you thought that was your only option. If you were trying to beat the train, I’m sorry you were so reckless. Either way at least two of us saw your life slip away today and your death will affect us too.  For that I’ll admit I’m already a little angry at you. I didn’t need to see you die today. That conductor doesn’t deserve to see the image of you running to the tracks in an endless loop, as I’m sure he’s doing. I know I keep replaying it. It’s like a GIF in my head,  run run whoosh, run run whoosh. 

Truthfully I’d like to pretend you made it to the other side, but I know you didn’t. I saw that you didn’t. I can only hope in time the image of your last second will be a little faded in my mind.  Maybe that’s selfish of me but so be it. I deserve the image becoming blurry in time. 

Run run whoosh. 

I want it to stop!