5 months

 On Friday it was 5 months since Michael's passing.  No, I didn't forget, I just didn't write about it.  I'm not sure how it can be this long already since that horrible morning.

I still have moments when I think it's all a bad dream.  He can't really be gone.  This cannot be reality.  But then it sinks in that it's the truth, he's gone.

Having your partner pass flips your whole life up-side-down.  All the things they used to do are now yours to do.  All the things you did for them are now gone.  There is no us any more, so you have to learn to cook for one, if you cook at all. The garbage doesn't take itself out.  Laundry is a smaller load and mostly done because you're out of underwear.

Grocery shopping is hard.  It's a combination of "oh, he'd like that" and "well, I'm not making that just for me."  After 20 years it's hard to remember that the only one who cares what you buy is you!  Dinner time is now whenever you are hungry.  Bedtime is whenever you fall asleep, even if it's on the couch.

The new house will be a good thing.  New routines.  New normals.  Less reminders of what used to be and no longer is.  Death has dissolved "ours" and left it with "mine."  Michael's house again feels more like Michael's house, because the "us" that made it a home is gone.

The sadness still sneaks up on me.  Some days I'm okay, I acknowledge he's gone, I think about him, I remember the love we shared.  Other days it's a ton of bricks on your head crushing in the reality that he's gone and will never do all the things you took for granted before.